Hi. My name is Chantell and I was in an abusive relationship...

In the last couple of weeks I have realized that I was in an abusive relationship. Seriously, like really abusive. Now being the cool, confident and self-assured woman that I am, it was hard for even me to believe that I could subject myself to such behavior. But I did.

I fell in love w/ a man that I put on a pedestal in my mind. He was older, well traveled and an all around manly kinda man. One of those gentle giant types. I was smitten. He was a personal trainer and I wanted to shed some pounds so we did that. He would wake up early or stay out late to ensure I worked out. He would encourage me to eat right and stick with it. I thought I had found my Prince Charming.

Sadly, I was mistaken. I have a big personality. I live by the creed that I don't walk around like I'm better than anybody, but NO person walking this Earth is better than me. I'm extremely confident in my intelligence and my appearance. Size 10 or 4, I'm a bad chick! My boyfriend had a problem with this. He would rarely compliment me and be extremely critical of me in all aspects of my life. I brought home exams with perfect scores, he tells me you should always make good grades. I put on lingerie he tells me I've put on weight. What part of the game is that?

If I ever disagreed with him it would be an all out war. He was not open to hearing my point of view or accepting my advice unless it was solicited. It was so bad that I would govern my comments to avoid an altercation. I wanted my relationship to work so I worked hard to keep him happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I fooled myself to believe that he just wanted what was best for me. I sold myself this story for over a year. I never insisted that he show me love and affection. I felt like I was confident enough to pacify myself. I mean really, I toot my own horn, LOUDLY, every day, so did I really need him too? Yes, I did.

I've learned two VERY important lessons from this relationship.

1. A man has to think as highly of me as I do. He's not gonna be able to convince me otherwise, so we need to be on one accord. I want my man to be fan-DAMN-tastic. I will ALWAYS allow him to be the king and I will treat him as such but he has to do the same. I'm a star so supernovas need only apply. If a man is insecure, he will bring you down. He will constantly find ways to make you question and doubt yourself. Your partner should elevate you and make you feel special **Disclaimer** Don't be delusional. Nobody needs somebody who can only tell them how great they are and not call them on their shit! I'm not perfect and my partner should be able to lovingly correct me and point me in the right direction.

2. I will NEVER again dull my shine to compensate for anyone's insecurities. I'm me and I love it. If you have a problem with that....KICK ROCKS W/ NO SOCKS!


Its crazy to think that I would subject myself to this but I did. Ladies don't allow anyone to mistreat you, belittle you, or give you anything less than what you deserve. We are all wondorously made. Love yourself and insist others do the same.

Please Stop Playing in My Kitchen

Ok. So this was clearly a week of revelation and affirmation of what I will and will NOT tolerate from ANY man. With that being said I want to discuss this idea of men not wanting to be in relationships. They always say something like this:

"You know I'm not really ready for a relationship. If something happens it happens..."---bullshit!

What this translates to in girl talk is, "If you bend over backwards and hold me down I'll wife you."

What he's really saying is, "I'm telling you ahead of time not to catch feelings. More than likely this situation will not work out and when it does I am not responsible because I told you I wasn't looking for a girlfriend"

I always thought this was funny. Its funny because all it does is send a woman into overdrive. Now she's putting her best foot forward; doing everything to make him realize her potential. She's cooking, cleaning and pretty much playing wifey in order to get this dude to wife her. WRONG!!!!

I'm gonna go ahead and tell you that its not gonna work. Sorry.

Men thoroughly enjoy a relationship environment without with they deem as hassles. (hassles: nagging, being "locked down", drama) They want all of your feminine attributes. Your soft body, sensual tone, comforting words...and not to mention you know how to whip up a meal and do a lil laundry here and there. lol They love all of that.

So what do they do? They start pulling out the ingredients to get what they want.

Sugar: the sweet gestures; warm hugs; overall affirmation that you are a woman of substance

• This is how he makes you feel special. You're pretty certain he doesn't treat every other girl like this and you're probably right. This is his true nature...he loves to show love.
  

Flour: in public interaction; dates, outings, whatever you call it; you're not a booty call (in most situations) if he takes you out in public

• I put this under flour because flour is usually the most important ingredient. When you step outside, that's a whole other level! lol You holding hands w/ other couples in the movies. Its the part everybody sees.
  

Butter: Affection....that butta love! lol

• This is pretty self-explanatory. He rides you up (that's Charlestonian for having sex...lol), puts it on you right and you love it.
  

Eggs: this is what holds it together....consistency. He's always around, always calls, etc.

• In any recipe that calls for eggs you know the eggs hold things together. This is the bond. You can count on him, he's dependable. Naturally you like being with him.

When you put these things together, give or take a lil vanilla extract and baking powder, you're baking a cake. Not a rump roast, not broccoli casserole! CAKE! So don't be surprised when a woman whips that shit up and throws it in the oven! lol

A man? Oh he'll sit around and eat batter all day! Like a big damn kid! He's content. On the contrary, a woman is waiting for the ingredients to come together to be something more. We don't want no damn batter! However, we'll give a guy our good eggs, flour, butter and sugar hoping he'll see that the end product can be something special. l

Be careful who you let riffle through your pantry and use your ingredients. If the two of you aren't trying to create the same thing then you might need to excuse him out of your kitchen. Its okay to lick the beaters but who wants cake that never goes in the oven?