When you meet someone for the first time, it is easy to want to give them the whole kit and caboodle. Especially as a woman, we want to lay it out for a person to see all of our good attributes. This is emotional intimacy. Although we may have good intentions, this could be a major mistake. Men are like children. They can't have desert before dinner or they won't eat their peas. period. We can't give them everything in the first week. What your mothers said was true, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" This goes way beyond holding out on giving up the goodies. It has a lot to do with your time, your spirit and just all around who you are as a person. You've allowed someone entry into your palace and they haven't paid the entrance fee!
Getting to know me should be like a well organized scavenger hunt. You read the clues and move on to the next adventure. You don't get the prize until you've done the work!!! Don't jump into emotional intimacy with anyone who hasn't done the work to warrant that type of relationship. Only give as much as you're willing to lose. For example, my time is very valuable to me, so, I don't like my time wasted on anything! With that being said, I can only give you my time if I truly believe you see it as being as valuable as I do. This becomes extremely problematic because once we've given too much then we resent the other person for not giving as much. We hate them for not giving equally when there was never any intentions of doing so! Now you mad! lol
Guard your heart and only allow access to those who are truly worthy. This keeps things cool and light-hearted. Now don't become cold and isolated, just be more discerning of who you take in. It can be illustrated as two people playing tag. If I tag you and start running and you never attempt to chase me....that means you don't want to play anymore! lol However, if you tag me back that means you want to play! Ladies...make sure you aren't running without anyone chasing you!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Love to love to love ya....
So I'm convinced I'm in love with love. After watching the Sex and the City movie, (for the umpteenth time) I still got choked up. I just absolutely love to see love prevail. When I find someone to completely share myself with, mind, body and soul, I want to be able to tell our love story.
However (now you know this was coming), I think being in love with love is a problem for women. Essentially we have this idea that love will conquer all when in fact everyone does NOT deserve your unbridled and unconditional love. This is why, as women, we stay in relationships that are unhealthy, physically or emotionally, because we live in the fantasy that love will ultimately prevail. What we need to internalize is a man will make mistakes. He will not be perfect or without fault. Nevertheless, he will strive to be all that you need. Even in his wrongdoings, he will sincerely apologize and work to never make that mistake again.
Example: Cheating
A. He has a night of indiscretion. He's caught. He apologizes and works hard to make you regain his trust.----this may be someone that deserves a second chance
B. He has nights of indiscretion. He's caught multiple times. He apologizes. Tries to convince you that the past is the past and you need to move on.....----this is probably not someone you should waste one more breath on!
In relationships, it is important to work together to grow and flourish. No person comes into a situation knowing everything they need to know to make that relationship work. So there will be ups and downs. But before you give your all to someone make sure of these few things:
1. Is this person worthy to have all of me?---you have to start on the same page. If he's not worthy....move on.
2. Does he give as much as I do to the relationship?---relationships are allll about getting as much as you put in. The same way you don't pay $85 at Payless for a pair of shoes, is the same way you don't give your all and someone gives only 10%
3. Do honestly feel he will be open to grow and learn who I am to make this relationship better?---this is probably the most important thing. If he does not want to adapt to who you are to make the situation better.....bye bye be gone-Young Ralph
However (now you know this was coming), I think being in love with love is a problem for women. Essentially we have this idea that love will conquer all when in fact everyone does NOT deserve your unbridled and unconditional love. This is why, as women, we stay in relationships that are unhealthy, physically or emotionally, because we live in the fantasy that love will ultimately prevail. What we need to internalize is a man will make mistakes. He will not be perfect or without fault. Nevertheless, he will strive to be all that you need. Even in his wrongdoings, he will sincerely apologize and work to never make that mistake again.
Example: Cheating
A. He has a night of indiscretion. He's caught. He apologizes and works hard to make you regain his trust.----this may be someone that deserves a second chance
B. He has nights of indiscretion. He's caught multiple times. He apologizes. Tries to convince you that the past is the past and you need to move on.....----this is probably not someone you should waste one more breath on!
In relationships, it is important to work together to grow and flourish. No person comes into a situation knowing everything they need to know to make that relationship work. So there will be ups and downs. But before you give your all to someone make sure of these few things:
1. Is this person worthy to have all of me?---you have to start on the same page. If he's not worthy....move on.
2. Does he give as much as I do to the relationship?---relationships are allll about getting as much as you put in. The same way you don't pay $85 at Payless for a pair of shoes, is the same way you don't give your all and someone gives only 10%
3. Do honestly feel he will be open to grow and learn who I am to make this relationship better?---this is probably the most important thing. If he does not want to adapt to who you are to make the situation better.....bye bye be gone-Young Ralph
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why Are You Single?
After having a very interesting conversation w/ a dear friend, I began to think about why relationships don't work. I mean we always hear the scorned lovers' biased versions it's hard to decipher what is what. However, I think I know why most relationships don't last.
1. People CHANGE!
This is a major problem because a lot of times the person you met is not the person you end up with. As a woman, you meet somebody, you two are really cool friends, you're confident, strong and independent. This is why the man is attracted to you. He even tells his friend about how cool you are and how you're not like other chicks. Then what do you go and do.......ACT LIKE OTHER CHICKS. Now all of a sudden you must call all of the time, know his every move and question every female he's ever met. He's now confused and wondering where the cool chick went! I've been guilty of this before. We all catch that moment of insecurity and kind of lose all of our common sense. It's important to keep that sense of self and not get lost in the relationship.
2. TRUST
I'm not referring to trusting your partner, that should be a given. I'm talking about trusting in the fact that you can't control what happens. If he's gonna cheat, HE WILL; and sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Worrying about what may happen will only drive you crazy. Both individuals, hopefully, are grown consenting adults that are free to do as they please. No use in losing sleep over what you can't control. If the situation does arise, you'll deal with it accordingly and move on. Not endorsing being naive, but just let things flow naturally. Have your own life and beeeee.....
3. CONFIDENT
This is key!!! You have got to know that his life is MUCH better w/ you in it. Be confident in your abilities to care and love your man like nobody else can. He cares about you or he probably wouldn't be with you. Think of it like this: He obviously likes what I bring to the table or he'd find somewhere else to dine! Don't be cocky though! Don't doubt that another woman sees the potential in your Boo! Play your position and play it well. Half ass'n and dick'n around will have you "Young Sad and Blue"!!!! Invest time in making your relationship better than continually analyzing what may or may not be happening.
4. Keep It Interesting
In the beginning of ALL relationships there is that certain amount of novelty and spontaneity. This will change. At some point, things will slow down and become redundant. You have to keep that spark. Relationships are like fires--if you don't do anything to keep the flames burning they will eventually blow out!! If you were looking fresh in the beginning--MAINTAIN. If you were working that domestic tip---KEEP THAT DINNER COOKED AND CLOTHES WASHED! If you were Cherokee/Pinky/SuperHead in the sheets---KEEP IT KINKY! A man's attention span is short. You want to be in his heart...but MAKE SURE you're on his MIND!
Those are my relationship tips.... I see a lot of people with these angry facebook statuses....LOL. I'm just gonna assume ya'll don't know any better and thought I'd give some sage advice.
1. People CHANGE!
This is a major problem because a lot of times the person you met is not the person you end up with. As a woman, you meet somebody, you two are really cool friends, you're confident, strong and independent. This is why the man is attracted to you. He even tells his friend about how cool you are and how you're not like other chicks. Then what do you go and do.......ACT LIKE OTHER CHICKS. Now all of a sudden you must call all of the time, know his every move and question every female he's ever met. He's now confused and wondering where the cool chick went! I've been guilty of this before. We all catch that moment of insecurity and kind of lose all of our common sense. It's important to keep that sense of self and not get lost in the relationship.
2. TRUST
I'm not referring to trusting your partner, that should be a given. I'm talking about trusting in the fact that you can't control what happens. If he's gonna cheat, HE WILL; and sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Worrying about what may happen will only drive you crazy. Both individuals, hopefully, are grown consenting adults that are free to do as they please. No use in losing sleep over what you can't control. If the situation does arise, you'll deal with it accordingly and move on. Not endorsing being naive, but just let things flow naturally. Have your own life and beeeee.....
3. CONFIDENT
This is key!!! You have got to know that his life is MUCH better w/ you in it. Be confident in your abilities to care and love your man like nobody else can. He cares about you or he probably wouldn't be with you. Think of it like this: He obviously likes what I bring to the table or he'd find somewhere else to dine! Don't be cocky though! Don't doubt that another woman sees the potential in your Boo! Play your position and play it well. Half ass'n and dick'n around will have you "Young Sad and Blue"!!!! Invest time in making your relationship better than continually analyzing what may or may not be happening.
4. Keep It Interesting
In the beginning of ALL relationships there is that certain amount of novelty and spontaneity. This will change. At some point, things will slow down and become redundant. You have to keep that spark. Relationships are like fires--if you don't do anything to keep the flames burning they will eventually blow out!! If you were looking fresh in the beginning--MAINTAIN. If you were working that domestic tip---KEEP THAT DINNER COOKED AND CLOTHES WASHED! If you were Cherokee/Pinky/SuperHead in the sheets---KEEP IT KINKY! A man's attention span is short. You want to be in his heart...but MAKE SURE you're on his MIND!
Those are my relationship tips.... I see a lot of people with these angry facebook statuses....LOL. I'm just gonna assume ya'll don't know any better and thought I'd give some sage advice.
CHICTIONARY
Me and my chica Rhyan were having a little pow wow yesterday about what a woman says and what she means. This is very interesting because I know that women and men can be confusing. Personally, its not always what I say but how I say it that might leave a guy scratching his head. So this would be my personal Chic-tionary.
1. I only yell if I'm passionate about the subject. I pride myself on being very even keeled and level-headed so its completely out of character for me to raise my voice. So, if I'm yelling at you it because I REALLY want you to understand my position or see my point of view.
2. I use the word Bitch very loosely. Sorry. So, when I refer to your homegirl as a bitch I'm not being derogatory.
3. I'm a sucker for the most innocent gestures. I can always use a new bag or shoes, but a sweet text or a certain look is priceless to me.
4. When I say I don't want to talk about it, that just means I don't want to talk about it now. More than likely I know I'm going to be irrational and need some time to unscramble the foolishness between my ears. So, please don't press the issue.
5. I never like to assume. So sometimes I'm sure I seem disinterested because I don't always take the bait
EX.
Chan: Hey I want to see you.
Man: Ok. Well I'm (fill in random place)
Chan thinks to herself: What does that mean? Do you want me to come where you are? Are you gonna hit me up later? Nigga be clear!
6. I hate to send the last text. Childish. I know. But I hate to feel like I'm being left hanging.
7. I always excuse myself first. Umm...judge me later. However I think people should know when to wrap it up. Just don't think you should wait around until somebody says, "Ok. Well you ready to go?" That is like a no no to me! lol I would rather excuse myself and have the guy insist that I stay. Once again...childish...I know.
8. If I'm quiet it means that I'm thinking or don't have anything clever to say. This is usually a sign that I'm giddy or nervous to be around you. If I don't like you I'm probable making fun of you! lol
9. I'm a bit of a jerk at first introductions. This is only because I want to see if you can hang. Its just a pre-screening process. You can't be slow or take yourself to seriously.
10. I'm syrupy sweet. (don't tell anybody) lol
I would advise all my chicas to take a second and think about the quirky things about themselves that might confuse and unsuspecting man. Help them out. Give them a little insight and do your own CHICTIONARY!
1. I only yell if I'm passionate about the subject. I pride myself on being very even keeled and level-headed so its completely out of character for me to raise my voice. So, if I'm yelling at you it because I REALLY want you to understand my position or see my point of view.
2. I use the word Bitch very loosely. Sorry. So, when I refer to your homegirl as a bitch I'm not being derogatory.
3. I'm a sucker for the most innocent gestures. I can always use a new bag or shoes, but a sweet text or a certain look is priceless to me.
4. When I say I don't want to talk about it, that just means I don't want to talk about it now. More than likely I know I'm going to be irrational and need some time to unscramble the foolishness between my ears. So, please don't press the issue.
5. I never like to assume. So sometimes I'm sure I seem disinterested because I don't always take the bait
EX.
Chan: Hey I want to see you.
Man: Ok. Well I'm (fill in random place)
Chan thinks to herself: What does that mean? Do you want me to come where you are? Are you gonna hit me up later? Nigga be clear!
6. I hate to send the last text. Childish. I know. But I hate to feel like I'm being left hanging.
7. I always excuse myself first. Umm...judge me later. However I think people should know when to wrap it up. Just don't think you should wait around until somebody says, "Ok. Well you ready to go?" That is like a no no to me! lol I would rather excuse myself and have the guy insist that I stay. Once again...childish...I know.
8. If I'm quiet it means that I'm thinking or don't have anything clever to say. This is usually a sign that I'm giddy or nervous to be around you. If I don't like you I'm probable making fun of you! lol
9. I'm a bit of a jerk at first introductions. This is only because I want to see if you can hang. Its just a pre-screening process. You can't be slow or take yourself to seriously.
10. I'm syrupy sweet. (don't tell anybody) lol
I would advise all my chicas to take a second and think about the quirky things about themselves that might confuse and unsuspecting man. Help them out. Give them a little insight and do your own CHICTIONARY!
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